Relationships

Relationships are a big part of life. I attended the funeral of my cousin a while back. The pastor who gave the message told us that after we're gone the only things people really remember are the relationships they had with the person. How true that is.

All the wealth or things we have accumulated mean little when we're gone. People remember us for what kind of a person we were, what we did or didn't do for others, what our priorities in life were, our attitudes and actions towards people.

We spend a great deal of our time and energy dealing with family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances and even strangers. To say relationships can be difficult is an understatement. They are tough, really tough.

Here is some good advice on relationships between couples from Susan Quilliam, relationship psychologist and author. I need to keep these in mind as much or more than anyone else (my comments in brackets):

1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together. [Ok, especially hard to do when the couple live in 2 different cities]

2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides. [Note "both"; if one does it and the other doesn't it gets really bad]

3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him or her, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.

4. Encourage the other person to listen to you, by showing appreciation when they do. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.

5. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile. [I'd add a hug here :) ]

6. Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love them, warts and all. [Yep sometime stuff goes right over my head - sorry]

7. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. [When you're angry please get it out in the open, don't hold it in. Like the lady says it's poison]

8. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with your partner, ask yourself what you're angry about.

9. Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.

10. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.

11. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.

12. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.

13. Learn to forgive.

Great words to live by but easily overlooked or forgotten when anger or something else takes our minds somewhere else.

On a related note, long distance relationships are also really hard. I have a dear friend that I don't see enough and the distance makes it real tough. "Ask Alice" says this:

Alice,

My friend and I have been involved in a long distance relationship for six months now. We keep in touch with each other on a regular basis, calling and visiting each other. I feel that the distance between us will cause our relationship to end. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half. What are our chances of being together in the future?

—Miles away

Dear Miles away,

As Alice looks into her crystal ball, she sees that there is another way to think about your situation. The future, of course, is unclear, even for Alice, so why not focus on the present? Your distance could be considered a blessing in disguise, allowing you to come to know your friend in many ways that close proximity could stifle. Proximity can breed taking for granted the opportunity to talk at any time. It can also lead to physical intimacy (Alice doesn't know if you are sexually intimate) before you are both ready. Distance, combined with telephone calls and writing, electronically or through snail-mail, can foster an enviable intimacy which results from learning about another's qualities, values, ways of thinking, sensitivities, dreams, and aspirations. This type of intimacy can make your coming together much more special. Alice knows there are some people, in circumstances similar to your own, who spend more time writing their thoughts and feelings to the recipients of their affections than they spend in face-to-face conversations with people they live with, day in and day out. Many day-to-day relationships are characterized by superficial conversation, and few, if any, meaningful heart-to-hearts. So, Alice is suggesting that you not run away from your long-distance relationship, but nurture and savor it.

It is important for you and your partner to talk about what you're feeling, and what your concerns are. S/he may be wondering about the same things. If being together on a daily basis is what both of you want, then you can begin to strategize ways to make this happen. Will you need to wait until you graduate? Can one of you transfer schools? Or change jobs? Leave the possibility open, too, that you may continue in this coupleship for a long time, and that would be okay, too. Alice believes there are many "right" ways to be involved in a loving relationship.

Alice